I’m torn, really.

The nurse and the patient.  One helps the other but what if it feels like being both living in one, at times, two opposites.  For both have their needs, no?  And unless their individual needs are not met, then one or both suffer.

I am both.  But when am I one or the other?  I enjoy nursing, true, but sometimes it’s good to switch off.  Sometimes I need to.  Do I afford to?  Not really!  I am the nurse, always, unless I am admitted to hospital that is.

I go out of my way, miss my breaks, eat late, overwork when I should be doing the exact opposite.  Remember Lupus?  I do my job against all fucking odds (and gods) every day.  It seems like the gods are not in favor of this common mortal who wants to make a positive difference in other peoples’ lives.  Am I a patient when I drag myself on aching legs to the office chair to get the paperwork done?  No, I’m still the nurse.  “Hello, how can I help you?!”

I try to support those around me but in reality, I do want some support myself.  Everyone understands that, thinks I’m right, and gives me a lot of bull talk but in reality I feel like I’m one of a nearly extinct genre.  Am I a descendant of a long lost tribe, who do all this but rarely get what they need in return?  It seems like the other tribe has taken over.  A tribe within which all speak of values but then rape their brothers and sisters and let them bleed to death.  Wait, wait for me.  I think I need to change course.  I think I’m off by a couple of clicks!

But then, if I join them, then what?  Will it be ok to shut down and not give a damn about what’s around me?  Will I be able to back stab?  To turn a blind eye?  I could do that for I have my own needs.  I’m a patient too, no?  NO VISITORS PLEASE.

But what if I need to do it now, whilst I am caring for your father?  What about his demands over the guy in uniform……..but then again, what about mine?

I’m torn, really.

Kev Sign

2 thoughts on “I’m torn, really.

  1. I resonate with this post because I’m also a nurse with an autoimmune disease. I think it’s really difficult to find that fine line between caring for yourself and your patient. Thanks for sharing.

    Natalie
    thirtyeightfive.com

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