… I’m sorry, what were we talking about?

That’s called brain fog…..Now, before you run into conclusions, it’s neither about smoking too much pot, nor swallowing a couple of bright colored submarines or whatever else might have crossed your mind!  It’s post-a-bout-of-lethargy humor!

Soon after I went public about my Lupus, which was less than a week after I was diagnosed, I started noticing two types of ‘approaches’ by those around me.  Some constantly asked about my health, am I all right, do I feel fine, don’t worry I am sure you’ll recover (WTF?!), etc etc.  Others simply avoided (still do) conversation, or maybe avoiding going there.  I understand both.  But both last week’s bout of lethargy and its aftermath got me thinking (more)…..and so, another post here!

So, the last day of the three day lethargy bout was a hell of a loooong day at work, very busy and simply NOT what I needed.  Calling in sick was out of the question as I have bitten through half of this year’s sickness leave already and we’re barely past one fourth of it.  I had to go out on home visits and just after leaving my final patient, whilst climbing into the car I bumped my left knee into the car’s dash.  Bumped is a rather mellow term to describe it.  I’d say that I tried to flip the fucking car over like a stunt from a Transformers movie.  It hurt so much I was barely able to stretch out and pull the door closed behind me.  So much for Optimus Prime today.

Back in hospital I met a nurse, Adriana.  She asked how I was and told me that she’s following me here.  I could tell from the look on her face that she really meant it and that it was not the superficial question most ask, just for the sake of asking it and feeling better about themselves rather than because they genuinely want to know how I feel.  I felt like telling her how I really felt but decided not to burden her with my aches and pains and my fucking knee stunt and the lethargy and everything else.  I know she reads me here so I say “Thank you xbin, napprezza! XX”

At the end of the day I crawled to the changing rooms, and had one of those loooong showers where you just close your eyes and let the hot water flow and imagine you’re somewhere else, someone else, doing something else.  It’s not that I want to be anyone else (or rather, not always!).  If it was not for the Wolf, I’d be the king of the world.

Driving my way home my knee reminded me of the stunt gone bad with every press of the clutch pedal and I felt so sad thinking about the shit I’ve been going through (and that which I have put my loved ones through) but then I thought about some of the patients whom I had seen that morning.  I realized that some day or another we all have to bear something in life, be it ours or of someone who is so close to us as to feel it as if it is our own.  The Wolf is the cross I have to carry.  But then, I’m lucky to have my wife and son and family and those like Adriana who are genuine and true.  These make the effort of getting out of bed on the foggy days all worth while.

On my way home I listened to Sepultura (who have been by my side through thick and thin) and wept.  The tears dried up and I was still tired when I came home but a couple of hugs from the lady, a warm cup of tea, a couple of Codeines and some crawling with Karl dropped a smile bomb on my face before I crept into bed and slept like a log.

Until the next one.

Kev Sign

2 thoughts on “… I’m sorry, what were we talking about?

  1. hey kev!!just found out about you and wolfie through facebook. nice blog i admire your good fighting spirit. propabli taf but i was daignosed with hodgkins in 2012 and completed treatment in 2013. now in remission for almost a year thank God. its not the same thing ovja, but had chemo fog flok lupus hehe. insomma actually i think ive suffered from mind fog all my life, i just got an excuse now. qabad mal bsc nurses 2002 donnu, but its messing with the wrong nurses 😉 keep up your everyday fight, enjoy the good days to the best!! youre an inspiration to many people im sure :))

    • Hi Janet. Thanks.
      It’s great to know you’re in remission. I won’t tell you to hang on, but to fight harder. Take good care and if you need anything, you know where to find me.

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